


Not enough

by darkmoore



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Daddy Issues, Family Issues, Gen, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-11
Updated: 2014-07-11
Packaged: 2018-02-08 09:10:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1935147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmoore/pseuds/darkmoore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's thoughts after Gadreel tells him how Sam supposedly feels about him. h/c bingo fic</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not enough

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the h/c bingo over at LJ. Thanks go to my wonderful beta brumeier who encouraged me and helped me and never gets tired to just talk things through with me. Thank you, you rock! As always: they are sadly not mine. The dialogue in italics is a direct quote from an episode. I did not write this, it is taken dierectly from the show. No money made, no harm intended - I do this just for fun!

Dean downed another glass of Whiskey; the burn didn’t even register any more. Around him the bunker was oppressively dark and silent. What an irony that the best warded, best hidden, essentially most secure location in the world would make Dean feel almost claustrophobic. No things were lurking in the shadows here; nothing was out to get him. No, this time all the ghosts were in his own head. 

_So he told you that he has always felt that way, that he thinks you are just a scared little boy who’s afraid to be on his own because Daddy never loved him enough. And he’s right, isn’t he? Right to think you are a coward, a sad, clingy, needy … pathetic bottom-feeder who cannot even take care of himself. Who would rather drag everyone through the mud than be alone. Who would let everyone around him die._

Did Sammy really think all those things? Probably not. It had just been Gadreel’s way of trying to make Dean kill him. Not that it mattered much – it wasn’t as if Dean hadn’t had these thoughts himself quite a few times. He knew he had abandonment issues the size of Alaska. How could he not? 

Since he was four years old everyone Dean had ever loved had fucking left him, dammit. First his mom, gone in a blaze of fire that destroyed life as he knew it, leaving Dean with a dysfunctional father and the care of a six month old baby. 

After that, Dad had left him, had left _them_ , over and over and over again. Always on the hunt for another creature, another hint of Azazel or any other demon. Dean and Sam, their needs, their hopes had never once been enough to make him stay for longer than a couple of days at best. Dean knew Dad loved them, just not enough to make him stay and raise them right. 

In the beginning Dean had begged Dad to stay. To not leave them alone, to not abandon them in yet another ratty motel room in a strange town. It had been to no avail. Dad just got mad at him and ordered him again to take care of and protect Sammy. So Dean had holed up with Sammy and prayed that whatever it was that Dad was hunting wouldn’t kill him, leaving them all alone. 

It had been bearable, okay even because Dean had Sammy to focus on … until the day Sammy left him, too. He left to have college and the kind of apple pie life Dean had given up on dreaming of a lifetime ago. Dean couldn’t remember much of the time after that – the absence of Sam like a big gaping hole in the middle of his chest. But he’d learned to deal. Didn’t he always? 

At least Sam had been alive. 

But soon enough Dean had dragged him back into his old life of hunting and they both had paid a steep price for it. Having Sam die in his arms had been the single most horrifying moment in all of his life – until the moment he saw Sam vanish in that cage, that is. If Dean was being perfectly honest, he probably had never really recovered from either of these events. Not really. Not completely. 

Yes, they had lost Dad too and it had hurt, but somehow in Dean’s mind it had been nothing more than an extension of a string of absences that had been happening all of his life. Sam on the other hand he couldn’t lose. Not then, not now, never. 

That Sam would willingly die, give up his life and even try to make sure that he could not be brought back – ultimately leaving Dean to fend for himself all alone … 

Sometimes Dean wondered what it was that made every person he had ever loved abandon him. Why it was so easy for them to just turn and walk away from him. Was he really worth so little? Just another person to cast aside when not needed anymore?

Maybe it was petty of Dean to keep Sam from leaving, from dying; maybe he really did it for the selfish reason of not wanting to be alone, but could you blame him? Dean didn’t ask for much for himself; he was used to putting the needs of others first. Was it really so despicable that he wanted Sammy by his side? Was it too much to ask for that someone would maybe not go to any lengths to fucking leave him alone for good? 

Dean had known for a very long time that he couldn’t live without Sam. The fact that they were actually not just brothers but soul-mates didn’t really surprise him at all. He and Sammy had a connection that went way beyond a brotherly bond – even strangers had been picking up on it, but had falsely attributed it to them being lovers. They weren’t, of course, but Sammy was the center of Dean’s universe anyway. Without him he wouldn’t be able to go on, that much Dean knew. 

Co-dependency, unhealthy attachment and abandonment issues the shrinks called it. Dean called it unconditional love. He’d die for his brother, had already died for him and gone to hell and there was nothing at all that Dean wouldn’t do for Sam. Until recently Dean had thought Sam was just the same when it came to him. 

_You are a coward. A sad, clingy, needy…_

Maybe Gadreel had exaggerated when he had talked about Sam’s feelings, but Dean knew there was a grain of truth in there. Sam had said so himself. He wouldn’t have saved Dean. He hadn’t searched for him at all when Dean had rotted in purgatory. Sam had gone on with his life and left Dean to fend for himself, content and prepared to never see Dean again. He’d been sad for sure, but ultimately accepting of the fact that Dean was gone. 

Maybe it was Dean’s turn now to accept that, to Sam, Dean just wasn’t worth the hassle. It didn’t change the fact that no matter what cost, Dean was prepared to risk everything and give everything he had to make sure his brother was safe. That was something that would never change, no matter the motivation. Sammy was all Dean had and he would protect his little brother until his dying breath. 

Dean wondered what he had done wrong that Sam would rather die than stay with him but ultimately, it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that now Dean knew that his love wasn’t enough to make Sam care. Once again Dean had been weighed and found wanting. 

Why could he never be enough?


End file.
